Saviour
by Tallulah Grammar Songstress
Summary: AU where Raito won. It seems like Ide has only Matsuda as an ally now, but can he trust anyone now Kira rules the world?


(A/N: Written for prompt "empty rooms" for the 2009 12daysChristmas challenge on LiveJournal. AU, non-specific violence, male/male pairing, intentionally a bit disjointed. I own no Death Note characters or concepts.)

At first all Ide feels is tired; too tired to raise his head, too tired even to blink. The light above him is encased in a metal cage, he notices, like it is in prisons.

ooo

If he thinks, he can remember. He doesn't want to remember. Just the thought of the memories makes him want to punch something, get up, fight, _escape_, and he knows he can't. Looking at the light allows him to pretend he's doing something useful, and keeps his mind off the past.

ooo

He sits up. There's a window filled with frosted glass; everything is so quiet and functional and clearly designed for keeping someone imprisoned that he catches himself wondering if this all makes sense and he really _is_ a criminal. He wishes he'd still got his watch, or a clock, or had had the foresight to make marks on the walls (there wouldn't be any point, not now he's lost so much time in tiredness).

The memories aren't memories now, they're knowledge.

The door is unlocked, and he starts and then is angry that he did and digs his nails into his arms as two men walk in, one with a tray of food, one with a gun. He doesn't recognise them. One of them catches his eye, asks sardonically if he feels at home here. All he can do, hating that he's being set up to sound stupid, is snap back _Not particularly_. The other guy, eyes narrowed with rage, informs him that actually he's lucky to be alive _and you don't deserve Kira's mercy. You don't deserve anything._ Ide's always hated the Kira acolytes who genuinely believe the spiel. He hates them even more now he's their prisoner.

ooo

Raito talks to him softly: _obviously, I'd like to help you, but I can't do that until you've chosen to help yourself. You took time to pick a side, remember? You can still change your mind... there's no shame in backing down..._ Ide tells him to go to hell, wants to point out that he evidently was doing far more to catch Kira when he was working as a regular detective than when he was on the task force with his quarry as his superior. He doesn't, though. He doesn't why he should hand over that marginally comforting thought to Raito. So Raito smiles and shakes his head and talks about how the world is still rotten at heart, how there are still criminals out there which make civilised people sick. _You and I know that you're not __**that**__ kind of criminal, but they don't. If they seek a scapegoat - a sinner they can punish in place of one they can't - well, there isn't a great deal I can do to stop them._ The first beating comes two days later. The perpetrators are as angry as if he brought this on himself, pushed them beyond their limits.

ooo

He always makes himself look at people when they come in, so he sees right away that the man with the tray is Matsuda. All he can do is stare. Matsuda isn't a Kira supporter. Matsuda is on his side. By the time he's realised that he isn't dreaming, Matsuda has put down the tray, eyeing him nervously, and scurried back out of the room.

Ide prepares for his return, half-positive that it won't happen, that Raito sent his former colleague in just the once to mess with his head. And then he wonders if it won't just be food, if he'll look up and see that it's Matsuda kicking him in the ribs or wrenching his head back to allow someone else to get a better angle. But it's not, and then it's Matsuda who brings him lukewarm miso soup a few hours later.

ooo

It's another four or five meals before Ide can get up the guts to ask what's going on.

_You sold out,_ he says. _Didn't you?_ Matsuda doesn't speak; just glances warily up and then down at the floor. Ide knew what the answer would be but it still makes him so stupidly angry, although he's not sure who with. He turns away before Matsuda can see his face. If they make eye contact then everything really will go to hell. Matsuda sighs, shifts from foot to foot; eventually, he says _I'm sorry._ Ide takes satisfaction in ignoring the apology.

ooo

He's scared but he doesn't know exactly why. It hurts to breathe and the air tastes of blood and the light is almost all squeezed out of his eyes and it isn't as if Raito gives a damn about him, has any interest in getting his psychotic followers to ease off. Raito's using him to demonstrate that it's not possible to live a happy life without love for Kira. Raito is demonstrating this successfully. Having his acolytes beat a sinner to death one day would probably be a valuable learning exercise for them.

Matsuda approaches hesitantly, as if he thinks Ide's in any state to yell at him. _I... I brought you, like, an ice pack. It's really just ice cubes in a bag but it might help. It always worked for me. Like... like when I was in high school and stuff._ He sits down on the bed and after a few seconds Ide feels coldness against his palm; Matsuda's fingers are a little damp. Watery coolness against his eyes and nose numbs the pain, at any rate, and he breathes out, slowly, and then his breathing starts shaking and he grits his teeth.

_Don't..._ Matsuda says, nervously patting his shoulder, _just... please?_

_Oh... oh, I'm sorry, am I reminding you that your new friends want me dead?_

_They're not -_

_Don't be so stupid._

Matsuda doesn't deny his stupidity. He just sits and waits. That's irritating, too.

ooo

_I brought you a book. It looks like the sort of stuff they make you read in literature class but... but I figured that was your type of thing, you know?_

Ide makes himself shrug and reach out for the book with a hand that almost isn't shaking. His thoughts go _it's mine, he brought me something that can be mine_ and _he remembers I don't like the stupid light novel crap he reads_ and _something to do - something that's not in here -_ And then _I don't care_ and then _Raito probably told him to do it_ and then _I shouldn't take it_ but already his hand's closed over it. The fatness of pages.

_Thanks_, he says, and it's hard even to get that word out.

ooo

He rereads the same page several times over, taking care to follow every word, or perhaps he's just too tired to concentrate on things the way he used to. Whenever he hears footsteps, he shoves the book under his mattress. Except he's pretty sure he must be being watched, so why don't they find it, rip it to pieces in front of him?

He wonders, too, whether they tolerate Matsuda or whether they'd like to be doing to him what they're doing to Ide. Perhaps that's why Matsuda's so friendly to him, hangs around longer and longer. Perhaps everyone else hates him. That's the comforting explanation. The thought that everyone knows and accepts what's going on, that Matsuda is rewarded every time he's kind to someone who really should be dead, makes him too sick to think about it.

ooo

Matsuda sits with him, waits while he eats, kicks heels against the bed and makes banal conversation. At last Ide gets up the guts to ask, _Are you meant to be doing this?_

Blank innocence. _Doing what?_

_Talking to me. Being -_ He stops.

_Raito doesn't mind,_ Matsuda says, glancing down at his hands. _He just wants me not to mess stuff up. Just let him get on with... with things._

_Seems a bit of a waste of resources keeping you alive, then._

_He only wants people to accept his new world and be happy in it,_ Matsuda says, quickly like someone chiming in with a song lyric.

Ide nearly says _you really believe that?_, and then nearly says _what did they do to you to make you believe that?_, and then realises he probably already knows the answers.

ooo

Maybe Matsuda is lonely. He's here for much of the day, now: sometimes there's a reason for it, like food, or medical attention, or some small stupid gift, but other times he just hangs around, saying his usual pointless things, half the time not even seeming to need a reply. Ide doesn't mind. When Matsuda says things, Ide can listen to them, or reply to them, and still be him. At other times, he's not him; he's scared or he's forgotten how to think or he's listening to himself talk to an empty room and he doesn't know why he's doing it.

It all goes wrong when he's scared and Matsuda is there and Ide tries to behave normally but he's forgotten what counts as normal and he ends up saying to Matsuda, numbly, jerkily, _you have to get me out. I don't care what you do but you have to get me out_ and Matsuda is saying miserably _I can't, you know I can't_ and Ide is shaking him, knowing he can make him listen if he just finds the right words and somehow his hands are tangled in Matsuda's shirt and he slams him back against the wall and now he's not demanding, he's begging, _please, please_ and all at once he realises how stupid he must sound to Matsuda of all people and -

_Stop it_, Matsuda is saying, _stop it, oh god Ide I'm sorry, I'm -_ and he's putting his arms round Ide and trembling like he's the one going mad. Ide's suddenly so tired again and he's slumping to the floor and Matsuda is still holding him, stroking his back, and when it turns into kissing Ide isn't even surprised at first, just grateful that _something_ is happening to distract him from the humiliation of what he just said. And then grateful for the kissing itself, for the tenderness, for the pointlessness, it's days since anyone else has done something for him that isn't _necessary_. A little later, he thinks of stopping, of asking some sensible questions, but Matsuda is warm and clumsy against him and if they _do_ stop Matsuda might not come back, Matsuda's obsessed with romance, or he might be angry, might change sides properly, might take things away, and it feels good enough that it covers up the scared. And it hardly matters, in this place, if people see him do this, everyone hates him enough already.

Afterwards, Matsuda curls up next to him, half-lying on him, as if this is a perfectly acceptable place to sleep, and Ide only means it as a joke when he says, _Do you give this much attention to the other two?_

Matsuda goes still.

_The other two,_ Ide says again, hearing his voice trail off, _they're here... aren't they?_

Matsuda props himself up on one elbow, but he only stares at the frayed edge of the blanket.

_Aizawa isn't... isn't doing so well. He doesn't... he doesn't like having me around. Sometimes... he thinks it's all my fault, he... he forgets that Raito... he forgets who Raito is. And... Mogi killed himself three weeks ago._

_Don't - no. That's not right, you're... or it was Raito. Raito must have killed him._ He's gripping Matsuda's arm, _you don't know anything! Obviously it was Raito. And... and Aizawa, he... he..._

_Stop it, Ide, it's all right, it's all right - _ and Ide's mind screams back at him _of course it's not fucking __**all right**__!_ but he doesn't say that, he finds himself echoing back instead _it's all right_ and Matsuda nods, tries to smile, _Yeah, that's it. Look, I... I'm sorry, I didn't know... I thought someone would have said..._

Ide wants to point out that Matsuda is the only person who actually talks to him these days rather than beating the shit out of him. He doesn't say that, either. He's too busy realising that he's doing the best out of all of them; neither dead, nor insane, nor a traitor. _Or maybe it's that you just haven't picked a choice yet_, his mind sneers at him. He ignores it.

ooo

He knows that when Matsuda leaves, they'll come in and treat him the way a Kira-hater should be treated. He knows that he's been through it before and he knows that he shouldn't be scared, but he is and he doesn't want Matsuda to leave. _You can stay. You can stay longer. You can - don't you dare -_

_I can't - Ide, I have to go, I'll come back, I promise -_ Matsuda's hands on his, unhooking his fingers. He shoves at Matsuda and then he's hit out at him, sending him flying, _why the fuck did you even come here if you can't help? Why are you so bloody useless when it comes down to it?_ Matsuda stares up at him, shaking, back of one hand pressed to the mark on his face. Ide says, _you coward. This is all your fault_ without knowing why.

ooo

Afterwards, he realises that Raito is standing next to him, looking down at him. He swallows back blood and tries to think of what to say. He's still thinking when Raito says, _You're going to have to make a decision soon. You can't go on like this._

Ide stays still. Moving will only hurt and Raito will see that it hurts.

_Would you like to see Matsuda?_ Raito says. _I can ask him to come to you._

Ide doesn't want to think about Matsuda. He lost his temper, said things because he wanted to hurt, all because he's the coward, he's the one who can't face any more of this and now he's ruined it, just like he ruined everything.

_He won't..._ His voice is dry. _He won't show up._

_I think he will if I ask him. He listens to me. He admires me, remember? Like he admired my father._ Raito speaks a little more gently. _If you like, I'll bring him here right away._

_You... you'd... you wouldn't do that._

_Yes, I would. If you're co-operative, I'll do all I can to make you happy. But I can't do things for people if they won't help me in return. If Matsuda's angry with you, I'll talk to him; I'll make everything all right. But I can't do that if you won't work with me._

Ide tries to sit up, and his breath hisses as pain jerks through him. _I can't - I can't do anything right now. If Matsuda - I didn't mean to -_

_Will you help me?_ Raito says. _All I need is a yes or a no. Nothing more, at the moment._

It isn't a difficult choice. Even saying no will just mean that he gets left alone, to lie still and wait for the bruises to fade. Saying yes will get him lots more. Saying yes will sort everything out. So he says it.

When Matsuda arrives, he's oddly subdued, but even though Ide says _thank god you're being quiet for once_, he knows he doesn't mean it.


End file.
